What do you know of Claremont California?  It turns out that author David Foster Wallace hung himself in his house there on Friday.

What is an author you may ask?  Apparently an author is someone who puts bunches of letters and words together into like stories or something like that.  I guess he wrote a 1000+ page book called “Infinite Jest”.  I still haven’t read it yet because that seems kind of long, but I would like to read it as soon as I get caught up with being lazy and just sitting around.  Smart people like to kill themselves a lot.  I’m glad I don’t have that problem!

Also posted on the internet earlier this month from Claremont California comes:

<<<this recent skater video that I just saw>>>  <—-check it out!!!!

(if you want you can skip to like two and a half minutes into it where the skating starts).

But apparently it is a different Claremont California!  David Foster Wallace was swinging on the end of a rope in the Claremont near L.A. while the skater dudes filmed their video at the Claremont that is near Oakland.

Woah!!!  Its like some kind of time warp through the second dimension but then there you are already where you started and you never even went into the time warp before you returned!  But you don’t know if you are skating or dead.  The only thing you know is ‘Claremont California’!  Too intense!!!

To those of you who have never had a canine cock in your mouth, what are you waiting for?  Word is some of the best class of pooch schlong is found in Beijing, and there are many other animal johnson varieties there as well.  Here is a video made by two American reporters who had some top quality Beijing dong assortments.

If I had the opportunity (and I was drunk), I know I’d have me some mutt wang.  What about you?

9/19/08 Update: video has been removed from the internets, dern it!  So here at least is a link with some pictures:

http://www.impactlab.com/2008/04/29/a-visit-to-beijings-exclusive-penis-restaurant/ 

Its sad because 8 - 8 - 08 is dead.  I will miss you, the day of the Chinese Olympics with the fake fireworks I watched on TV and invasion of Georgia by Russia.  You with the rosy cheeks.  Buh-bye I will miss your fancy ways.

Go for the gold, BRIC countries!

Also 9 - 9 - 09 will be the end of space-time as we know it (not the Mayan date of 2012 contrary to some popular opinions).  Although honestly 12-12-12 would be a nice time to end it too.  When the world ends on 9-9-09 (which it definitely will of course), and you and everyone else is dead and non-existent, remember I told you.

Ok, there is .0000001% chance I’m wrong, but what are the odds?

Machine elves

The glorious eighties were the height of true rock music and you know Casey Kasem would back me up on this.  Like fer sure!!!!  And I’m not talking no poopoo panters like the Clash or Fugazi, even though they both existed in the eighties.  I’m talking highly esteemed artists such as the Gogos and the Flock of Seagulls, both of whom are kinda like waaayyy better than the Beatles or the Who by a like a mile or two.  Yup.

That’s right.  I’ll say it again.  Ready… Ok, here goes: YUP!

Why???  Well, I’ll tell you why Mr. Dum Dummy!  Two words: Cyndi Lauper.

But beyond that, its for one simple and undeniable reason: because the eighties like totally rock!!!  And like the great Huey Lewis once said, the heart of rock’n'roll is still beating… in the eighties!

Case closed.

Stranglers - Skin Deep

New Order - Ceremony (Live, NYC 1981)

Animotion - Obsession (Ok, this one kind of sucks but hey, deal with it!)

Flock of Seagulls - Space Age Love Song

PIL - Rise

Malcolm McLaren - Madame Butterfly

B52s - Legal Tender (Live, Rock in Rio 1985)

B52s - Big Bird (Live, Rock in Rio 1985)

Ebn-Ozn - AEIOU and Sometimes Y (Way better band than the White Stripes!)

“She says..HEY you wanna go OUT…huh do i wanna go OUT?”  Yessssssss.

Sparks - Tips For Teens (live, on Generation 80 show)

Sparks - Mickey Mouse (live, Saturday Night Live Show)

Echo and The Bunnymen - Never Stop (Live, Royal Albert Hall 1983)

English Beat - Save It For Later

Soft Cell - Sex Dwarf (live)

Gogos - Head Over Heels (these chicks are like totallee hardcore!)

OMD - Electricity

Squeeze - Up The Junction (live?, on Top Of The Pops Show)

Bauhaus - Dark Entries (live, Old Vic Theatre, London 1984)

Here are two puzzles to test your intelligence.  What is the next logical entry in the following progressions?

Puzzle One:

John

George

Ringo

?????

Puzzle Two:

DOS

Windows 3

Windows 3.1

Windows 3.5

Windows 95/98

Windows ME

Windows 2000

Windows XP

Windows Vista

Windows 7

?????

Who am I?

Yes its true.  There’s sometin groovy happenin’ here an’ what it is ain’t exactly clear…  that’s why I say “Stop, children, what’s that sound, ev’rbody look what’s goin’ down!”

Huh… what… what’s going down??  Are you getting paranoid and closing all the curtains to your house cause you think the fuzz are on to you and they’ll find your stash?

No don’t worry, it’s nuthin’ - just the best thing that ever happened - in none other than  the University of Santa Cruz Cal-i-for-nie-aye!!!!  Slugs unite to rule everyone!!!  Let your hair shine people!!!

That’s right, in 2006 the chancellor of UCSC jumped off the roof of a 42 story building to her death because of relationship problems with her lesbian lover, (note: 42 = 42.0 :) and peoplz are making fun of Santa Cruz cause they don’t take the place serious no more.  I guess those uptight squares just can’t groove along with what the hep cats are layin’ down!  It’s a shame.

But now Santa Cruz has got their dignity back and are blowing smoke in your face because…

Grateful Dead donates archives to UC Santa Cruz!!!

That’s right!!  UCSC ain’t a hippy-dippy hick school no more, they are getting totally serious like a real school with all kinds of archives of stuff and things like that!  It’s like whoa…

So don’t mess with Santa Cruz, or else… peace… man…

I always thought our sun was pretty cool, but now it turns out our sun suxx!!!!  Here is a way cooler star:

Also our sun sux because its called “the sun”, which is a pretty lame name.  I’m not even going to bother to capitalize it.  I wish it was called “Suprafluge Lord of Space Ploghplutemeister”.  Now that would be a cool name that I would never get tired of!  Aw3som3!!!  I hate the stupid sun.  Also I bet it stinks like farts if you were standing on it.

A submission was recently made to chickennights.com - an amazing short story regarding… a chicken! Yes!

The short story, written by “Jon B”. is so amazing and so well constructed in all its details, that there can be no doubt that one day it will win many awards throughout the world.

So, if all goes as I’m guessing it will, look out for this short story in one of the fine “short story festivals” taking place in a location near you.

So here it is, I’m sure that you will not be dissappointed by it, and that it will haunt your dreams until the day that you die.

The Chicken Who Pooped by Jon B.

One day a chicken pooped in its stall.
“Oh no” cried the custodian Mr. Tigros, “I don’t want to clean that up - why don’t you just lick it up instead?”
“Well” said the chicken, “it’s not my responsibility, and furthermore my feet have been affixed to this wire mesh caging, thus preventing me from undertaking the aforementioned task, even if I had so desired.”
Later, as the custodian pooped out the chicken, he flushed his own soul down with its remains.

The end.

Sob. Bravo!!! Bravo I say!!!